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Contrition...

Funny how time actually answers questions, the ones we ask consciously and the ones we carry in our hearts, just looming without necessarily being conscious about solving them.

I found that my habit of doom scrolling on TikTok has become damning. But because, if I am being honest with myself, I cannot go cold turkey on TikTok, I decided to make sure that for every funny bit I watch, a serious video will be in tow. You may be wondering how I did that. I simply followed more upright creators, ones that have their content around improving your vocabulary, the kind of stocks to invest in, how to cook African and Intercontinental dishes, world economics, how to read and understand the Bible, and clips from sermons I either am interested in and find the full thing or the ones I simply move on from. Anyways, you get the gist, my TikTok is now more educational than it is banter.

Anyway, in this case, time answered a question I had been asking since 2023. If you don’t know, my young, innocent mind had a podcast where I spoke about different things I thought I should talk about and questions I felt the need to ask out loud. In my podcasting era, I thought I had answered a question, but it wasn’t until today that I found a convincing resolution. The question I had was, “ When do you know someone is deserving of a second chance?” At the time, I felt like their actions afterward should be the deciding factor, but over time, I had an issue with someone I loved dearly that took a toll on the trust I should have had in my own judgment.

If you want to listen to the podcast episode, you can listen here

I am guessing you have gone to listen, and I did too. I miss my baby self, the one who dared to own a podcast because I wanted to.

Back to the order of the day, I was scrolling through TikTok this morning whilst taking my steps, and one of my English teachers ushered in her video with the word “Contrition.”

Even after seeing almost 20 videos after this one, the word felt like a conviction, it brought me from my case of maybe we should judge based on their level of remorse, to we DEFINITELY should. We, in this case, being me, myself, and my alter ego 😂. I sat with it since morning up until I write this by 4:30 p.m. so you all can get it before the day runs out, cause I want to share this so bad, (tell me thank you😉)

What really settled it for me was realizing that remorse and contrition are not the same thing. I used to think saying “I’m sorry” with enough tears in your eyes should count for something. And maybe it does, a little. But contrition? Contrition is different. It is heavier. It is intentional. It moves beyond guilt and enters change.

Because let us be honest, people can feel bad and still repeat the same thing that hurt you. Some people cry because they got caught. Some people apologize because they hate consequences. Some people miss access to you more than they regret hurting you. And unfortunately, when you love deeply, it can be difficult to distinguish genuine remorse from your own desire for things to return to normal.

I think that was where I got stuck for a while.

I kept trying to measure second chances based on potential. Maybe they will change. Maybe they did not mean it that way. Maybe this version of them is different. Maybe if I explain myself better, they will finally understand how badly it hurt me. And whew, that line of thinking will humble you so fast.

Because one thing life has taught me is that understanding your pain and caring about your pain are two completely different things.

Contrition shows up in care.

It shows up in changed behavior without you having to beg for it. It shows up in accountability without defensiveness attached. It shows up in consistency. In honesty. In someone taking full ownership of what they did, without trying to lay blame for your reaction. It shows up in effort, not performative speeches that disappear after two moonlights.

And I think that is why the word sat with me all day. Because suddenly, everything made sense.

A second chance should not just be given because someone feels sorry. It should be given because there is clear evidence that they understand the gravity of what they did and have intentionally decided not to be that person again.

That does not mean people cannot make mistakes. God knows we all do. I have needed grace too many times to count. I have been forgiven in ways I probably did not even deserve. So this is not me standing on a moral high ground with a clipboard grading people’s apologies 😭. No. I just think there comes a point where wisdom has to sit in the same room as kindness.

And honestly, I think younger versions of ourselves struggle with that balance the most. We think being kind means endlessly understanding people at the expense of ourselves. We think loving people means constantly stretching our boundaries until they barely exist anymore. But sometimes loving yourself also means requiring evidence before reopening doors that once shattered you.

I know this all sounds serious, but, funny how, I got this revelation from TikTok University during my morning walk 😭. Imagine. Life is so random sometimes. One minute, you are watching someone make seafood pasta; the next, your entire perspective on forgiveness is changing because an English teacher decided to teach vocabulary.

And maybe that is why I love growth so much. It rarely arrives dramatically. Sometimes it comes quietly, through a single word that refuses to leave your mind all day. Sometimes, time answers questions you stopped actively asking because somewhere along the line, you finally became ready for the answer.

So now, if you ever ask me when someone deserves a second chance, I think my answer would simply be this: when their actions carry the unmistakable weight of contrition.